two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
