nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Randomize
