She is in my trunk
honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
A bitchslap is in order.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
