When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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