New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
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