Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
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