you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
