Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
