Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
