right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
