Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
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