if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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