I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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