Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
stop calling my apartment porn island.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Randomize
