We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
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