you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
