I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
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