two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
