I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
