Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize
