I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
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