I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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