I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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