I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
