I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
