im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
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