remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Randomize
