She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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