I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
