Four minutes until I can fart!
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
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