Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I would fuck him just for his dog
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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