I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
