I'm jealous of your bromance
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
