if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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