I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
