when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
