false alarm. still invincible.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
i came on her dog
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
