Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
