??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
