Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
