I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Randomize
