Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
