Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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