speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
