he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
