Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
it glows. i had to have it.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
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