I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize
