So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
