Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
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