I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
