Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
