Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
