I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
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