Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
