I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Randomize
