I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Randomize
