that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Come see our sink grown plant.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize
