i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize