A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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