I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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