I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
