Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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