I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
